Why Do Affirmations Make You Feel Worse? (And How to Fix It)

I know this sounds backwards, but for some people a big positive statement can sting rather than soothe. That isn't a sign that affirmations are no good. It's a sign of something fixable. It does not mean affirmations are not for you.

If you've ever used positive affirmations, or tried to, and been left feeling a bit flat, or even worse than before you started, that isn't your imagination, and it doesn't mean you're doing it wrong. It is a real effect that is known about. It happens to some people, and it tends to mean there is something specific that you're doing wrong with the affirmation itself. And it is fixable. It doesn't mean affirmations are no good to you.

So here's the short answer, and then we'll talk about the why and the how in detail.

Affirmations can backfire when the statement you're making is way bigger than anything that is currently believable, or achievable, for you. Your mind can hear the gap between the words and the truth, and it can push back, because it's not stupid. The fix is not to try harder. It is to say something you can actually believe.

For example, somebody who is 75 years old and in bad health, making a statement that they can run a sub-four-minute mile, well, it's not really believable. Crafting a good affirmation is something we've talked about in other articles.

What the research found

There was a study back in 2009 by the psychologists Joanne Wood, Elaine Perunovic and John Lee. They asked people to try a classic affirmation. The affirmation was, "I am a lovable person." For those people who already had high self-esteem, it helped a little bit. But for people with really low self-esteem, and this was the group most likely to try affirmations in the first place, it actually made them feel worse.

The people who most want affirmations to work can sometimes be the ones a badly chosen affirmation hurts. The wording matters much more than most people will tell you.

Why it happens

When you say something you truly do not believe, your mind has to answer back. If you simply say, "I am really wealthy," while you're in debt and your bank balance is zero, your mind will reply, no, you are not. So now you've said an affirmation and been reminded of the situation you're in, and the exact gap you are trying to close.

The bigger that gap, the louder the pushback. A small, believable line, though, can slip past that internal editor. Your brain is trying to protect you all the time, remember. A small, believable line can bypass that protection, whereas a giant, unbelievable one wakes it up. Do not wake the sleeping dragon.

How to tell if this is you

You don't need a study to spot it. A few tells:

• You feel a small wince, or a flicker of "yeah, right," the moment you say the line.
• A quiet voice answers straight back with the opposite.
• You feel further from the goal after saying it, not closer.
• You feel frustrated that nothing is happening.
• You feel "heavier" after saying the affirmation.
• You catch yourself saying it faster and faster, just to get it over with.

If any of those sound familiar, the line is too big for where you are right now. That is fixable, and here is how.

How to fix it

Lower the claim until it is something you can actually accept, and point it at movement rather than the finished result. Instead of saying, "I am wealthy," you could try something like, "I am learning to handle money with more confidence." Instead of, "I am confident," you could try, "I am becoming more comfortable speaking up, every day." These things are true right now, so your mind is not going to argue. I'll link to how to write affirmations here.

A few made believable

If it helps to see the pattern, here are some big claims turned into lines your mind can actually accept. Notice that each one swaps a finished state for a direction of travel:

• Instead of "I love my body," try "I am learning to treat my body with more kindness."
• Instead of "I am fearless," try "I am getting braver each time I try."
• Instead of "I am always calm," try "I am getting better at steadying myself when things get busy."
• Instead of "I am successful," try "I am taking steps that move me towards what I want."
• Instead of "Everyone likes me," try "I am becoming more comfortable being myself around people."

None of these is a lie, so there is nothing for your mind to argue with. Each one is true the moment you say it, and each one points at something you can actually do today.

When to be gentle with yourself

If an affirmation is asking you to gloss over something painful, it's going to sting. Of course it is. Essentially, that's toxic positivity, not really affirmation. You're not affirming something true about yourself. Whereas something like, "this is hard, and I am moving forward," is more honest, and easier to believe, than "everything is wonderful."

The bottom line

If affirmations make you feel worse, that is information you can use. That is feedback, not failure. Shrink the line, make it true, point it at the next step. When you say things that way, that same practice that was painful before can start to steady you and take effect.

A note from experience

I've spoken in detail about how to craft affirmations the right way in other articles, and I do that from experience, because when I first started trying to work with affirmations I would often use negations, which is a terrible idea. Thinking about what you want, rather than what you don't want, lets your brain focus on achieving what you want. Keeping it realistic and moving lets your brain look for the steps to take to get you to the end result. So we're not stating the end result directly, we're stating the movement towards it.

As the example above showed, "I am confident" is great on its own once you already have a degree of confidence. But "every day I am allowing myself to feel more and more confident" is a powerful statement in the early stages, when your confidence is low, because you're telling your brain to allow itself, and you, to start feeling more comfortable every day.